Monday, September 18, 2006

Town Genius

20 years ago from tomorrow was the exact day Herman has decided to become a hermit. Professing his new ideologies in faith and his firm belief in superstitions and Bill Gates giving him money off by forwarding emails has made him a laugh of the town, especially after it was readily admitted that 1. Bill Gates would do no such thing, 2. The author admitted spreading the chain mail, and 3. Everyone has fallen for it twice and knows its fallacies. Herman clearly remembered the court case involving the author being sued by everyone who fell for the email with the notion that he will have to pay each and every English literate reader 1 billion dollars. He ended up settling with buying a round of tequila every week in a random bar for 50 years. This punishment has actually motivated more high school kids to acquire fake driver’s licenses and follow the author around wherever he will be buying tequila.
Anyway, Herman still forwarded emails on Bill Gates and came up with a new sector of Christianity with a base belief that God resides in everyone’s middle finger, after being shown the finger, without knowing that it was actually profane. He has been arrested a number of times for showing the finger to Kindergarten school children after saying “Bless you”, to church goers whenever he joins the choir, and to practically every priest and nun imaginable. It was only after realizing that Herman’s logic is slightly skewed to another galaxy in the right that people considered him a nut and ignored him. He was also in a lot of trouble when he was caught placing bags of red wine on top of blood bags because they were “the blood of Christ”. It was safe to say no one had to go through the whole ordeal of having to get a hangover before dying since the blood type had a cross mark on it instead of the regular letters. He was also able to profess that being Christian means one has to consume as much of “Christ’s blood” as he could to have Christ all around his body. He ended up running over Mrs. Coldwell’s Persian cat and several mailboxes and bonsai gardens. Apparently, being Christian was also synonymous to being piss drunk.
Herman left his town and decided to become a hermit. He ensured he will be “Christian” all his life and got a good number of wine bottles as what he can afford, he got a lot of “Christ’s blood potentials”, also known as grape juice, with the hope they will ferment.
20 years and Herman did not care, he was drunk with the worst notion possible and everyone laughed at him. Everyone in town used his “Being Christian” as an excuse of being drunk. It was no longer funny that it took several priests and daily visits to residents to insist on the whole symbolism of wine. The entire town was renamed “Alcoholicsville”. Things became normal 3 years after Herman left and Koreans with wine shops started migrating to other towns with plans to profess Herman’s religious ideology.
20 years and Herman opens the door to hunt for fruits, as he was too drunk to hunt anything that actually moves. It would still take him time to pick apples and other fruits as he has an accuracy of 20% spearing them. He doesn’t understand why they always seem to go in circles. He did catch a squirrel once, and this was by accidentally stepping on its tail as he was about to fall. Another occasion involved him falling on his back and sat on a rabbit, which then became very disabled.
But for the first time in 20 years Herman, a superstitious hermit, got a chain letter in front of his abode in the forest. It stated, in summary, that the if the bearer does not send this letter out in 2 days to 50 people, he will have unimaginable bad luck and run out of wine. If it was sent out, he will be the new archbishop of his religion and followers will flock to him.
It would actually defeat the purpose if a hermit would have the immediate ability to send this letter to 50 other people as he was not supposed to have any contact or knowledge of anyone else, but the prospective to prove himself right gave him the challenge to leave his abode and go back to the town he has not visited 20 years tomorrow.
He did visit the town and was quite surprised on the changes, music kept on getting worse, people come up with more terrible dances, guys are becoming too “in contact with feelings” and the whole women’s rights and equality have gone too far. It was, in a way, the usual trend anyways. From toasters that lasted one year they now last 10 days. Since everything was manufactured in China, and Chinese in China have terrible grammar and English usage (they almost got into war with the United States when it was suspected that the manual for the penis enlarger pump sounded like a secret message to go to war with the United States and that MSG is actually radioactive, the Chinese actually explained what the main message was and sighed in relief that they got away with the radioactive MSG, it was a supposed cover to send secret messages overseas on military plans. This was the first time that their only buyers, politicians and military generals, actually decided to read and comprehend the manual) everyone started learning Chinese. Now, not only was English bastardized, it became Confucian, imagine a Spanish sounding person speaking English like a Chinese, it was found to be unbearable.
But nothing else has changed, it all followed the same trend it has always been following. Minor upgraded happened in lifestyle, but no major changes in evolution. Herman got his written letters and dropped it off 50 different houses. The prank done by the author of the Bill Gates letter was actually moving around. The author was madly discussing over his new prank in the bar while buying a bunch of 15 year olds tequila shots.
Upon discovery of the prank, Herman took his case to the court, being that he still has the right to do it, just like half of the idiots who do it anyway. He was able to win the case against the drunk author and got the author to be his first disciple.
As far as it went, Herman was still the clown of the town. Realizing that he was better of drunk and hunting apples than stuck in a town with terrible music, dances, culture, and appliances, he left off and went back to his abode. According to the rules though, the author had to follow him along wherever he goes.
Herman and the author lived a relatively drunk life after, and since they both suffer the same hangovers in the morning, their schedule are quite synchronized as it is, just the way Herman liked it, and could not be any happier. For the author, he could not give a fuck, and blessed the entire forest with his middle finger.

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