Monday, September 18, 2006

One of those Christmas Stories

(TV on mid volume in the background.) “Recent archaeological discoveries have found proof of the existence and unfortunate demise of Santa Claus. As per Dr. Smith of the National Museum, Santa Claus was found in a former Native American village turned casino. While dates are being confirmed, it was theorized that Santa Claus got in the middle of two Native American group battle after confusing smoke signals for a chimney of a “nice” toddler. Upon arrival to the scene, both groups looked up and screamed “White man! White man!” and shot him down with no mercy. Native American representative of one of the groups refuse to apologize, stating that “He deserved it with his toys made from Native American child laborers”. More on” *click* “…and in tonight's show we have…”
Nothing is always on TV on Christmas, which is why Frank turns it on to keep boredom off his back while staring at the window from a run-down apartment. It was a very bad idea to break up any point in time before Christmas primarily because there is no one to cook Frank a nice Christmas dinner. He was too drunk and stupid that New Year was over when he was so drunk and wasted that he broke up with his girlfriend, a tradition he strictly follows to make sure he does not get stuck with a nagger and yet get a good meal. He should have realized the difference between his neighbor's annual exploding Christmas lights and fireworks. He was so drunk he actually greeted his girlfriend a happy new year, gave her a hug, sang Aud Lang Syne and told her to get out of the apartment (It was actually longer and concerned certain profanities that involved the following words - Shit, Bitch, Fuck, Damn, associated to anatomical parts and relatives and their anatomical parts of his girlfriend). Frank later learned, after watching the news, that it was one week before Christmas, and this was not enough time to find another emotional victim.
Staring at the window has not helped either. Everywhere he looks he can only see couples. And strange enough, whenever you look for a single woman it always seems there's none around, and when you are with a woman, there seems to be better women walking around alone, irregardless of how appealing your woman is, there would be tons hotter walking in front of you. This is not a good time for philosophical discussions. In times of crisis, focus on your prey. Once done or tired would it be best to get a bottle of Vodka and talk like Plato (after being drunk from too much wine on a bath). It was, of course, a problem considering that he would be in a bath naked with other men. Rome seemed to be too gay for Frank, he might prefer Confucius, even if his grammar sounded worse than Yoda in Star Wars.
Things are not looking good for Frank, who has decided to give up searching and put on his coat, move towards the door, and get the hell out of his house. Walking towards the elevator, he was rehearsing lines to use on prospective women and checking his breath while simultaneously thinking of killing every “bastard” as he puts it, who came up with Christmas songs he would be forced to hear for this month. Getting out of the elevator, he hailed a taxi an old man was getting in. It did not matter if it took the old man a good 30 minutes to get one, or the fact that he is freezing and looking forward to getting to the nearest eat-all-you-can buffet and while away his life there. Frank's crisis, he believes, is larger, as he does not want to go hungry on Christmas, and decides to rush to the nearest bar with desperate women.
He could have gone for women who would only go out with him to marry him and get a resident Visa, and hopefully, a citizenship. But they cannot cook real food. As far as he can remember, the last meal involved a lot of sugar, rice, and stinky fish. She was immediately evicted from his residence, swearing to never date a woman whose name he has difficulty pronouncing. He has tried everything to make things convenient for himself, but end up with more complications and adventures he would have preferred not going through.
He has also dated a very modern woman, who refuses to cook for men on basis of gender equality. But in the restaurant, he had to pay the bill, considering that it was the least he can do. She too, was kicked out and erased from the list. As the list of adventures keep on getting longer, Frank kept on getting more careful, and choosy. He has a list that states, “Beware of the following signs, if you want a good Christmas and New Year's meal or a peaceful sleep”. The title was too long, but he knows all about the sentence, so he just wrote “Beware of”. Some of the things he watches out for are: Women with funny names, as discussed previously, modern women, ditto, big women, higher grocery bills, intellectual women, makes him feel stupid and would not go for him anyway, clumsy women, as one almost burnt his house, nature lovers, as they don't shave their armpits, and would probably be vegetarian, and he hates tofu, and the list goes on.
He has put a mark on what he wants to look for - Stupid, horny women who can cook. They merely have to be smart enough to read, add, and measure ingredients and cook him a good Christmas and New Year's meal.
This is all he is looking for, a good home cooked meal for Christmas and New Year's. He does not want to hang out with his friends, who would then be couples, and flaunt their “couplehood” in front of him, whether it be a marital or pre-marital relationship. They always flaunt their emotions as if it was a romantic movie. The worst part was when they decide to help him by hooking him up with blind dates. This was some bad news.
Blind dates are bad news because couples always choose crappy women to make sure they're still the more romantic and compatible couple. The woman would always choose a friend who desperately needs a guy and keeps on crying about it, she will find him a wonderful guy to fix up her self esteem. The man will make sure that his friend's date will suck so he will feel better off. End of the day, he ends up with a date who would have a small “flaw”, as according to his friend, who was setting things up. This was only to realize that the flaw involved a third nipple on her left cheek, which she fondly plays with given any opportunity, and would prefer to be kissed there during greetings. It looks disturbing whenever the weather is nippy.
Why is it so hard to get a girl to cook a good Christmas and New Year's meal? Why can't he just buy it outside? Or hire someone to cook for him? For the very simple reason that women are emotional beings, and express their artistry and passion through cooking. You can tell if a woman has a bad day by eating her cooking, and how much she loves you on a special event. There is something added or replaced to make things taste better for particular people. Meals made by women are tailor fit for men they love, and unless your friend's spouse or girlfriend loves you more, your friend is enjoying the meal more than you.
Special events, as previously stated, are times when women are exceptionally happy, and are thus in the mood to cook something special for someone they care. It is important though, that the woman has spent enough time to know and understand her man to understand what he likes, otherwise, some strangely named woman will end up cooking Kimchi or smelly fish for Christmas, which would not make it a nice meal.
Having two to three days of the year dedicated to the best meal is important for men, as it is like a vacation, where the magic of good cooking unwinds the man entirely. At this point in time, we do understand why men look for women similar to their mothers, entirely because they were brought up with their mothers' dishes. Play the logic from here.
Going back to the story, Frank is now on 23rd street, looking for a bar to go inside and get a girl to cook him a good meal. On the way, he has finally pondered on the above and saw a bus with a man and a woman being romantically entwined for a situation not suitable for children below 18. These children will have to contend themselves with naked women calendars found in any truck driver's delivery door.
He stops on the bus stop instead, deciding to head home to family for Christmas. It has been three years since he has last visited his parents but this is an emergency, as he longs for his annual meal. He meets up with the old man who he stole the taxi from, going to the buffet near the bus stop. He was greeted by the old man with the same use of profanities linked up with him and his anatomical parts. He merely smiles and greets him with his middle finger, the best he has shown this Christmas year.

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